HEARTBROKEN
A Time When I Was So Alone & Now A Time In Which I Have Found Help
(Bridging the gap)
In my loneliness, I have investigated why the term Heartbroken became a term. What I have discovered is that one's heart physically feels pain as if broken. The term could quite equally have been heartcracked. Heartshattered. Heartcrumpled. Heartsquashed. Heartconstricted. Heartsmothered.
The other words I have physically explored are Panic, Desperation, Anxiety, Fear, Trust, Betrayal, Love, Responsibility. I can quite assuredly say that they are all words which can be felt through the human body. Knowing that one's failure affects the lives of innocent beings is almost too painful a situation to bear. There was a time in which I cried out, were there no other people out there who care to see these lions remain alive?
This sounds like a Greek tragedy and for that I feel embarrassed.
I stepped bravely into this world of lions, the reason being, I believe, was that I had no actual responsibility for them at that time. They were someone else’s problem, I was getting involved by choice. I look back and realise that as I waded in to the seemingly calm waters, those who already had an understanding of the depth of the issue must have stood opened mouth in a combination of amusement, awe, and abject relief that some other silly bastard was taking to the waters on their behalf.
But swim I did. Thank God. My head would always pop up after having been breathlessly tumbled under rapidly swirling debts. The ceaseless onslaught of legal issues meant I could never look towards the solid ground on which to build our future for if I took my eye off of the next wave of lawyers’ letters we would not have been ready to jump or dive in time. I felt forever that I was fighting to keep my head above water, dragging the lions, the farm and the family I was helping along with me. So much effort was required simply to keep the place going that I hardly ever got to stop and survey the endless waters for a glimpse of the horizon. Then in the still of night, alone with the enormous expanse of waters surrounding me as I clung to a single piece of driftwood, the depth of my solitude would seep right into me and I would quietly panic.
One day I was rudely washed up onto a muddy shore, I crawled for a few months but eventually grew strong enough to stand up. I was in a barren landscape, but found a rock, sat down, and looked back at the seething waters I'd been tossed around in for so long. Only to realise it was tiny. A simple man-made dam, high walled with viewing decks around it, a pump station and two expensively dressed captains in charge. For years I continued to look back, struggling to tear my eyes from the reality of the situation. Struggling to come to terms with the fact that I had willingly entered the waters, believing with all my heart that it was a life and death situation. Dealing with the truth that as I took in water, froze and stayed constantly vigilant, the captains were not even constrained to the viewing deck, they came and left as they pleased. Dined and slept, socialised and shopped. Occasionally they were impelled to stand upon the viewing deck even inviting friends to join them as they watched me flailing in their little dam that I had believed to be the wide wild waters.
Leon, my family and my friends approached me on my rock and encouraged me to move on, to turn my gaze to the future, to forget the torturous humiliation I had endured. The question I faced then was why had I done it. Could I possibly have been such a completely blinded fool. No, there had been a reason to fight. There really was an auction on which the lions were to be sold. My children and I had spent very real time caring for very real lions. My family, in particular my mother Pam and my friend Kathy had given of themselves on a very real level. Once I realised that I would not chose to undo what I had achieved in there, I was able to take the strength and knowledge gained and to start again.
I focused that same determination, to keep those lions alive, only that now I was no longer trying to save the land they currently lived upon. The fight was pretty much the same in that I was still fighting to keep those lions from being sold. But now that I was no longer drowning in the debt and legal problems of a private individual, I could stand tall and plan properly. My driving goal was to give the lions the best lives that captive bred lions can possibly have. To create a proper sanctuary, to build enclosures that offer space to climb, run, hide, wade in water, sleep in shade, bask in sun. I wanted to give the lions back a bit of pride.
My plans are big, much bigger than me. My fight is hard and I am unable to face it alone. I do not want this to be about an individual person, my call is to all people to respect all animals. I do not see animals as helpless or needy. They are strong and perfectly designed to live upon this planet. Our generation needs to bridge the gap between a time in which humans use and abuse animals and a time in which animals have dominion over their territories. The logistics of this are complex. We should start working on this now. In my world, I have begun with a small sanctuary in which I can set the standards of good lion care for those lions already born.
This leads to me requiring an angle of approach for the business model. Following a lion's business model of social interaction, I feel the need to form coalitions, hunting parties and to share duties.
All of this requires financing, my model is the one based on having paying volunteers. We should perhaps coin a different term for these supporters who donate time and donate money to the cause. They chose to stand alongside of me and to walk this path step by step with me, they become part of the pride.
These are people who give freely of their time, who physically help us to run and build the sanctuary by putting in hours of manual labour. They are the ones who action their ideals. They take time off from their lives in their home countries, they travel and they pay to stay with us. These invaluable supporters make the sanctuary a reality, without them I would not be able to put fuel in the bakkie to fetch a carcass to feed the lions. Without them we would not have money for rent, for fences, for veterinary care. The lion sanctuary would not be able to fund itself.
Unless I follow an alternative business model.... There exists the option of day visitors, tourist buses and chalets for guests. Groups of people paying to be taken on a tour around the sanctuary, paying to photograph lions behind a fence, paying to walk around, paying to relax on a deck, eat food, and sleep in the beds. It is an option, but which one of these two works more quietly and naturally with the sanctuary I am building?
The volunteer model.
6-8 focused individuals who genuinely want to be there who spend quality time getting to know the lions and helping us with the important realities of lion care. My aim at LLA is not to have strangers intruding on the lions’ place of quiet and calm. No sounds of social chatter, music at the lodge, cars coming and going. With volunteers, they quickly become part of the family and the lions see them as a familiar presence. Volunteers learn that lions have moods and individual characters which means that they may or may not see any given lion for hours of the day, but they do not need to, they are there all day, for days and weeks. The lions follow their own rhythms with no disturbance from viewers at a time dictated by a set tour. The volunteers respect the lions as individuals and they get to spend time in the morning, evening or late at night quietly observing lion behaviour.
The socialising between volunteers, due to the length of time they have, can be done around our private fire in the camp, at the dam, on an adventure in the mountains, playing cards in the volunteer lounge or at a restaurant for a night out. It is a family like affair. The staff can be kept to a minimum as to a large degree the volunteers become the staff. We are a close-knit group of people dedicated to caring for the lions in our small sanctuary. Without paying volunteers and donors, we simply cannot have a sanctuary. The lions would still exist but their home and their carers would be gone.
Thank God it turned out that there are in fact other people out there in the world who care. Leon van Zyl has had my back every step of the way and two volunteers from 2015 have stayed with me and are now permanent members of the LLA Team. I am no longer alone.
(Bridging the gap)
In my loneliness, I have investigated why the term Heartbroken became a term. What I have discovered is that one's heart physically feels pain as if broken. The term could quite equally have been heartcracked. Heartshattered. Heartcrumpled. Heartsquashed. Heartconstricted. Heartsmothered.
The other words I have physically explored are Panic, Desperation, Anxiety, Fear, Trust, Betrayal, Love, Responsibility. I can quite assuredly say that they are all words which can be felt through the human body. Knowing that one's failure affects the lives of innocent beings is almost too painful a situation to bear. There was a time in which I cried out, were there no other people out there who care to see these lions remain alive?
This sounds like a Greek tragedy and for that I feel embarrassed.
I stepped bravely into this world of lions, the reason being, I believe, was that I had no actual responsibility for them at that time. They were someone else’s problem, I was getting involved by choice. I look back and realise that as I waded in to the seemingly calm waters, those who already had an understanding of the depth of the issue must have stood opened mouth in a combination of amusement, awe, and abject relief that some other silly bastard was taking to the waters on their behalf.
But swim I did. Thank God. My head would always pop up after having been breathlessly tumbled under rapidly swirling debts. The ceaseless onslaught of legal issues meant I could never look towards the solid ground on which to build our future for if I took my eye off of the next wave of lawyers’ letters we would not have been ready to jump or dive in time. I felt forever that I was fighting to keep my head above water, dragging the lions, the farm and the family I was helping along with me. So much effort was required simply to keep the place going that I hardly ever got to stop and survey the endless waters for a glimpse of the horizon. Then in the still of night, alone with the enormous expanse of waters surrounding me as I clung to a single piece of driftwood, the depth of my solitude would seep right into me and I would quietly panic.
One day I was rudely washed up onto a muddy shore, I crawled for a few months but eventually grew strong enough to stand up. I was in a barren landscape, but found a rock, sat down, and looked back at the seething waters I'd been tossed around in for so long. Only to realise it was tiny. A simple man-made dam, high walled with viewing decks around it, a pump station and two expensively dressed captains in charge. For years I continued to look back, struggling to tear my eyes from the reality of the situation. Struggling to come to terms with the fact that I had willingly entered the waters, believing with all my heart that it was a life and death situation. Dealing with the truth that as I took in water, froze and stayed constantly vigilant, the captains were not even constrained to the viewing deck, they came and left as they pleased. Dined and slept, socialised and shopped. Occasionally they were impelled to stand upon the viewing deck even inviting friends to join them as they watched me flailing in their little dam that I had believed to be the wide wild waters.
Leon, my family and my friends approached me on my rock and encouraged me to move on, to turn my gaze to the future, to forget the torturous humiliation I had endured. The question I faced then was why had I done it. Could I possibly have been such a completely blinded fool. No, there had been a reason to fight. There really was an auction on which the lions were to be sold. My children and I had spent very real time caring for very real lions. My family, in particular my mother Pam and my friend Kathy had given of themselves on a very real level. Once I realised that I would not chose to undo what I had achieved in there, I was able to take the strength and knowledge gained and to start again.
I focused that same determination, to keep those lions alive, only that now I was no longer trying to save the land they currently lived upon. The fight was pretty much the same in that I was still fighting to keep those lions from being sold. But now that I was no longer drowning in the debt and legal problems of a private individual, I could stand tall and plan properly. My driving goal was to give the lions the best lives that captive bred lions can possibly have. To create a proper sanctuary, to build enclosures that offer space to climb, run, hide, wade in water, sleep in shade, bask in sun. I wanted to give the lions back a bit of pride.
My plans are big, much bigger than me. My fight is hard and I am unable to face it alone. I do not want this to be about an individual person, my call is to all people to respect all animals. I do not see animals as helpless or needy. They are strong and perfectly designed to live upon this planet. Our generation needs to bridge the gap between a time in which humans use and abuse animals and a time in which animals have dominion over their territories. The logistics of this are complex. We should start working on this now. In my world, I have begun with a small sanctuary in which I can set the standards of good lion care for those lions already born.
This leads to me requiring an angle of approach for the business model. Following a lion's business model of social interaction, I feel the need to form coalitions, hunting parties and to share duties.
All of this requires financing, my model is the one based on having paying volunteers. We should perhaps coin a different term for these supporters who donate time and donate money to the cause. They chose to stand alongside of me and to walk this path step by step with me, they become part of the pride.
These are people who give freely of their time, who physically help us to run and build the sanctuary by putting in hours of manual labour. They are the ones who action their ideals. They take time off from their lives in their home countries, they travel and they pay to stay with us. These invaluable supporters make the sanctuary a reality, without them I would not be able to put fuel in the bakkie to fetch a carcass to feed the lions. Without them we would not have money for rent, for fences, for veterinary care. The lion sanctuary would not be able to fund itself.
Unless I follow an alternative business model.... There exists the option of day visitors, tourist buses and chalets for guests. Groups of people paying to be taken on a tour around the sanctuary, paying to photograph lions behind a fence, paying to walk around, paying to relax on a deck, eat food, and sleep in the beds. It is an option, but which one of these two works more quietly and naturally with the sanctuary I am building?
The volunteer model.
6-8 focused individuals who genuinely want to be there who spend quality time getting to know the lions and helping us with the important realities of lion care. My aim at LLA is not to have strangers intruding on the lions’ place of quiet and calm. No sounds of social chatter, music at the lodge, cars coming and going. With volunteers, they quickly become part of the family and the lions see them as a familiar presence. Volunteers learn that lions have moods and individual characters which means that they may or may not see any given lion for hours of the day, but they do not need to, they are there all day, for days and weeks. The lions follow their own rhythms with no disturbance from viewers at a time dictated by a set tour. The volunteers respect the lions as individuals and they get to spend time in the morning, evening or late at night quietly observing lion behaviour.
The socialising between volunteers, due to the length of time they have, can be done around our private fire in the camp, at the dam, on an adventure in the mountains, playing cards in the volunteer lounge or at a restaurant for a night out. It is a family like affair. The staff can be kept to a minimum as to a large degree the volunteers become the staff. We are a close-knit group of people dedicated to caring for the lions in our small sanctuary. Without paying volunteers and donors, we simply cannot have a sanctuary. The lions would still exist but their home and their carers would be gone.
Thank God it turned out that there are in fact other people out there in the world who care. Leon van Zyl has had my back every step of the way and two volunteers from 2015 have stayed with me and are now permanent members of the LLA Team. I am no longer alone.
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| Dedicated to LLA - Line Risa and Tale Schjolberg from Norway |
Beautiful read, Andi! I cannot wait to come and be a volunteer in May 2018! I've dreamed about it, saved for it, planned it and I am willingly choosing to step into those waters with you and be a caring working dedicated lion advocate. Thank you so much for the opportunity to do this. I know this will change my life forever. xoxo
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